Life Decisions.

I haven't done a super rambly, type out all my thoughts and emotions, no structure no point blog post in like almost a year, which is crazy and also evidence of a point i wanna make ahahahah. So I've just had an emotional breakdown talk with my mum about next year and stuff, and now i'm gonna write about how stupid and difficult life changing choices are!

This year has been a shamble so far ahahahah like lets be honest, but its getting better and I'm a much happier person than i was in January. I started this year in England and went to a super duper dark place, like super sad, stayed in bed all day, didn't eat or ate way heaps and it was scary like i didn't like feeling that way, so distant from who I really am. So i came home and was feeling lost more than ever, coz at least while i was over in england i looked like i was doing something with my life and now i had nothing to do back home, but i was happier, being home with my friends, that just made all the difference, like i was so lonely in england, and i was home laughing and going on trips to Hamilton, going to school and going to Kapa Haka just having fun hanging out and socialising! I stay home and do the dishes and whatever jobs mum its for me to do and cook dinner sometimes, but feel like i should be doing more around the house but i just binge watch tv, I love it tho just watching season upon season of shows, but now I've got pressure from my dad, like not pressure but i can tell he's like disappointed and annoyed at me for not doing anything with my day, as much as mum tells me they've got no expectations for me i still just feel like I've failed them, I'm not a doctor and i left the nest then came straight back to it like i dunno its sort of a cloud thats always there.

I'm trying to get my restricted liscense, i failed it last year and have been taking more lessons, but I'm just a shit driver, theres no way to sugar coat that, I'm not confident and barely even know the road rules ahahaha but I've got my test booked for next tuesday which I'm going in to expecting to fail, like i wouldn't pass me ahahaha.

Next year my plan is to do a level 2 maori certificate course and sometimes i get really excited about it but other times I'm just like i do not want to do that at all ahahaha which is so annoying. Im scared really, scared that I'm gonna fail, that I'm not smart enough to understand, that i'll fall behind, i won't fit in like its scary i dunno. But me and Georgette are getting a house together in town and I'm so freaking excited and happy about that, and I'm so happy that she's happy and excited, likes its gonna be so fun, weird and new and exciting but fun. Buuuut then money. Money makes the world go round and i don't got nuuuun. Money is so stupid and annoying, like all my plans in the future i envision myself being rich ahahahaha but like how do i get there. I just wish it wasn't a big deal and i never want to be in financial trouble like i just don't wanna be poor ahahah.But life costs money man! Like my actual dream would be to pause time and watch all the tv i wanna watch and like somehow get a job and make heaps as money, figure out what the heck i wanna do then unpause time and live ma life fam! But thats just a fantasy ahahahaha like the world is not a wish granting factory. Gotta eat to live gotta steal to eat nahahahhaha. Im just excite for a life that I'm now realising might take a lot longer till i can live it ahahaha. I don't want student loans and depts i just daunt wanna be poor ahahaha but i gotta study and then get a good job and work forever for that to happen.

Also my parents do so much for me and i just like feel a big pressure of not knowing how to pay them back like I'm forever indebted to them coz they gave me life and like raised me to be classy naht flashy ahahah, but like I'm happy with who i am today because of the things they've given me and so all of a sudden i feel like i need to repay them, but mum said all she wants to see is all of us be happy. I dunno just a feeling I've been having lately.

I just do not like this time of my life, like yeah I'm happy but I'm so lost and confused, i have no idea what I'm doing and what i want, and its difficult when i see some of my peers going to uni and knowing exactly what they want to do but thats just what i see on the outside like i dunno, and then i compare myself to others who are like older than me and don't even have their learners licenses and i really just need to stop comparing myself to others coz thats toxic, i just need stay in my own lil bubble and worry about myself.

Okay i think thats everything ahahahahah just keep living lyfe and I'm giving myself till I'm 23 to sort my shit out ahahahhahahahahha so just do whatever till then, it'll all be alright. Deuces :)